Grief and Beauty

Through the prism of Autism everyday events morph into larger-than-life escapades; life changing events have a way of shifting into smaller, more digestible bits.  At least this is true at our house.  

Today was not a scheduled, structured day.  It was not what I had planned, surely. It was a day like no other ever will be.  It was painfully raw and beautiful.  

Grandpa holding Grandma's hand. * 

Please know that my definition of beautiful is uniquely mine and you are free to use it any way you see fit.  For me pretty and beautiful are vastly different.  Pretty is superficial and comes with ease. While true beauty can not be possible without pain.  They go hand-in-hand and are inseparable. Together they are what makes this life worth living.  

 Today I had the incredible honor of holding my grandmother's hand as she left her earthly body and met the Lord.  I've never been present at the birth of a child, but I imagine this to be just as powerful. 

Grandpa holding Grandma's hand.*

Through the perspective of my girls, I found some really amazing insights.  KC was with me at the house when it happened while AJ was playing a friend's house.  KC sat there taking all of the emotion and didn't flinch until I asked a while later if she was okay.  She needed that permission to cry.  She didn't know why she was crying but she knew everyone else was sad.  Once the situation was explained to her, she did her very best to comfort and encourage everyone around her.  I was so proud.  Yes, it was all scripted and was presented with a flat affect and it was awkward, but I tell you, it WAS beautiful.  Her "I hope you feel better soon" and "don't worry, I'm on your side" and "I wish I could make you feel better, but I can't" were more honest and true than anything else anyone could come up with.  

Me and Grandma.*

I chose to tell AJ later, after we were alone.  AJ is definitely more emotional than KC and I knew it was going to be rough.  Her heart broke.  Her life changed forever.  She quickly ran through a list of people and asked if they were still alive.  She had to call my mom to hear her voice and share her sadness.  She reached the end of herself and decided she needed to find a new great grandma, one that wouldn't ever die.  That is her answer for the big hard stuff.  It worked for her before...her birth parents were not okay so she got a new mom.  Therefore, this must be how it works.  

Our grief has just begun.  I know that we all will be processing this so much more in the coming days, weeks and months.  But today, it comes down to this...Grandma is with Jesus RIGHT NOW.  I know I'm not the only one that's just a little bit jealous.  


* These pictures were taken a short while before Grandma passed.  So very precious.