Friday, May 8, 2015

Adoptive Mother's Day...

Earlier this evening I posted a link to this article on my personal Facebook page.  A lovely friend asked about it.  Thank you, Friend!  I needed to write these words and feel them in my heart again.  I needed to refresh and reframe my thinking, again (and again and again). 

My friend asked why kids that were adopted and have a mom struggle with Mother's Day. (Not verbatim, but that's the general idea.)  Here is my response:  "Even the most loved and cherished ones crave the birth mother...even the ones that were hurt deeply crave the birth mom. It's how we are wired. It makes adoption so much harder than most people ever know. That heart attachment is the invisible thing that holds us from them. I am a great mom. I love my girls more than I could ever imagine. Attachment is hard. With KC, I will never ever be what she needs. I can meet her needs and love her, but I will never be that one thing she longs so deeply for. With AJ, our attachment is different. She does reciprocally love and is firmly attached to me, however, She's ready to move on the moment I die. I frequently hear from her that she will feel sad when I die, but that she will just get a new mom. (I am not sick or anything!) 

I wish adoption was the end of the answer to the calling, but it is just the very beginning of a very difficult journey. One where the adoptive parent(s) are agreeing to carry the weight of the birth family's issues all along the way. I love my journey and am honored to be a part of these (and hopefully more!) children's stories. But it is hard.

I'd like to add that it is hard not only for me as the adoptive mom, but also on the kids.  I can see the pain in their faces when they talk about adoption.  I can see the struggle when they talk about their own future families.  I can hear it in their disrespectful voices when they yell "You're not my mother!" in a fit of rage.  I would give ANYTHING to take that pain away.  But it's just  that very pain we need to learn to live with, to accept, to acknowledge... We, as a society, need to accept and acknowledge the validity of this pain and teach them, and others like them, that from pain good things can come.  Let's not work to skirt around the pain, rather to embrace it as a necessary part of life.  

So, thank you again, Friend.  I need that!