Thursday, November 29, 2012

Am I Less?

I have taught and will continue to teach my girls that they are no less than anyone else.  They are beautiful, treasured and important creations of God.  They have very significant things to do in life.  They matter.  They count.  But what about the things I tell myself?

I have 'quirks' in every area of life.  I am not like the vast majority of people.  I am single when I should be married.  I am fat when I should be healthier.  I am a conservative Christian when it's more popular to be liberal.  I am sad when I should be happy.  I feel alone in a room full of people.  I pour out my whole heart, all of me, all of everything I have to others and leave none for myself.  

So this last year I have begun to address these issues:  
  • The singleness...ehh.  Not a problem, move along.  
  • The obesity...  Big problem (pun intended).  I started in a comprehensive weight management program 9 months ago.  After MUCH research and hard work and preparation, I have a gastric bypass scheduled in January.  Throughout this journey towards health I have learned a lot about what I need and what I don't need.  I need me to be nicer to me.  I don't need to make everyone happy.  
  • The conservative Christianity...This is to be treasured and well-cared for, and is only a problem to the evil one.  
  • As for the other things, they all come back to how I view myself.  

In the midst of our current family crisis with KC, I have had to really think hard about what and how I feel.  I think I am less of a mom than I should be.  A mom should be able to take care of her children.  Instead, I have had to make the gut-wrenching decision to have KC move elsewhere, both for her safety as well as the safety of AJ and I.  It's NOT a choice I want to make.  It's the choice I HAVE to make.  I will always be KC's mom.  I am not terminating my rights. I am not walking away.  I will continue to fight for her and along side of her for her whole life.  Yet, somehow, it changes who I am.  

This post seems kinda all over the place, but hey, that's life!  It's all connected and each piece means something.  So as I work on my own perspective of life, I wanna know... how are you gonna be nicer to you today?  I'm pretty sure that I am not the only one that needs to think about that. 

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Finding Words

Yesterday, I said I would fill you all in on what's been keeping me extra busy lately.  The trouble is I am having a hard time finding the words.  Or maybe I'm having trouble putting it in writing.  It makes it more real.  Maybe its that words can't hold it's just too big. 

I know there are people out there in cyber world that have gone through the same things.  I know there are some of our loved ones that are wondering what has happened.  I know that our story is worth sharing...that it may help someone know they are not alone.  So I will try.  Maybe just a little at a time.

I have told you previously about KC and her explosive behavior.  I have also eluded to the effects of her behavior on AJ and I.  Those effects are difficult to label.  Those that have tried have called it PTSD, although there is nothing "Post" about it.  It is ongoing and will continue possibly forever. 

AJ seems to be handling it well, for now.  But I have been doing this for nine years.  I, alone, have been the on the receiving end of KC's rage for all that time.  It has changed me.  It has made me become someone I don't even recognize.  I fear that the changes in me may be irreversible.  (Please know, I am not accusing KC or blaming her in any way.  She has a mental illness and developmental disabilities and cannot control what she does. Oh, and I love her with all my heart.)

No matter how much love and therapy and things both material and immaterial, it's not enough.  It is a terrible feeling to come to the conclusion that you are no longer what is best for your child.  I cannot keep her safe from herself.  I cannot keep AJ and I safe from her.  I can no longer continue on this path that leads to destruction. 

So last night, during her meltdown, I had to do the thing no parent should ever have to do...ever.  I had to call 911 and have the police come over to our house.  They took KC to a safe place for the night.  She was very willing to go and was rather excited to be leaving us. 

This couldn't possibly be part of The Plan!?! You know, the one promised to prosper us and not to harm us in Jeremiah 29.  Because, You know what?  This hurts.  The pain is unbearable.  I know that in the bigger picture this is just another thread in the tapestry of life and God will use this for good.  But it still hurts. 

So how do you keep perspective?  How do you keep focused on the bigger picture in your life? 

Monday, November 26, 2012

Why I (Mostly) Do Not Mind 4 AM...

It's been a while, and I'll explain why that is soon.  But for today I am going to share why I mostly do not mind that AJ gets me up at 4 am.  Yes, 4 am.  Well, in all fairness, sometimes it's 4:30 am.

I am not a morning person.  Never have been. Never will be.  And you can't make me.

AJ is a MORNING PERSON.  As in, a leap-out-of-bed-and-eagerly-begin-to-enjoy-all-the-world-has-to-offer kinda person.  And she does this neither quietly nor very safely.  So I must arise and defend the world from all AJ has to offer.

AJ gets up between 4 and 5 AM.  I have tried everything to get that a little later.  We use extended release melatonin, and Valerian.  I have tried putting her to bed later and later.  No matter when she goes to bed she gets up that early.  But the later she goes to bed the crabbier she is in the morning, so I have learned to put her to bed early so she gets enough sleep.

Things in our reality have become increasingly stressful and even dangerous over the last 8-9 months. (More on that soon!)  This situation has taken a lot of my time, my focus, and my attention.  It is also been necessary for me to keep AJ and KC apart as much as possible. AJ is extremely resilient and easy going and handles it all beautifully.  (Oh, how I wish I could be like her!)

So, at 4 am, it is just AJ and I.  We get to enjoy the quiet world and all it's goodness all by ourselves.  We get to giggle and dance and watch cartoons.  We don't need to walk on eggshells.  We don't have to brace for impact (physical or psychological).  We get to be us.  And that is worth getting up at 4 am.