I have taught and will continue to teach my girls that they are no less than anyone else. They are beautiful, treasured and important creations of God. They have very significant things to do in life. They matter. They count. But what about the things I tell myself?
I have 'quirks' in every area of life. I am not like the vast majority of people. I am single when I should be married. I am fat when I should be healthier. I am a conservative Christian when it's more popular to be liberal. I am sad when I should be happy. I feel alone in a room full of people. I pour out my whole heart, all of me, all of everything I have to others and leave none for myself.
So this last year I have begun to address these issues:
- The singleness...ehh. Not a problem, move along.
- The obesity... Big problem (pun intended). I started in a comprehensive weight management program 9 months ago. After MUCH research and hard work and preparation, I have a gastric bypass scheduled in January. Throughout this journey towards health I have learned a lot about what I need and what I don't need. I need me to be nicer to me. I don't need to make everyone happy.
- The conservative Christianity...This is to be treasured and well-cared for, and is only a problem to the evil one.
- As for the other things, they all come back to how I view myself.
In the midst of our current family crisis with KC, I have had to really think hard about what and how I feel. I think I am less of a mom than I should be. A mom should be able to take care of her children. Instead, I have had to make the gut-wrenching decision to have KC move elsewhere, both for her safety as well as the safety of AJ and I. It's NOT a choice I want to make. It's the choice I HAVE to make. I will always be KC's mom. I am not terminating my rights. I am not walking away. I will continue to fight for her and along side of her for her whole life. Yet, somehow, it changes who I am.