Tuesday, June 3, 2014


So, yesterday we had KC's permanency plan hearing to ensure we are all making strides toward the 'goal'.  The goal is and always has been reunification.  It's been 17 months and 26 days.  We are still hopeful.  

The hearing always brings up some emotional crud for me.  Partially, because of the all the mandated stuff the judge must say at each hearing (the termination of parental rights warning), and partially because of the self-imposed guilt of having to ask for help with my kid in the first place.  When you add in the ridiculousness of treating parents like criminals and the insane idea that this case is like all the other CPS cases....well, it's rough. 
Fun at the zoo!  

Yesterday was not an exception.  There was 
good that came out of the discussions I had with our social worker.  Mainly, that if AJ's medication changes go well, we may possibly be able to transition KC home within 3-4 months.  There was also bad that came out of that discussion.  The  social worker asked if I was prepared to have AJ transferred to out of home care if she continues to become more aggressive.  (Ummmm, nope.)  

Mostly, though, in light of the possible transition of KC back into our daily lives I feel...perplexed.  After all this time, I know that I am not what she needs.  Surely, I can meet her needs, but I will never be the thing she needs.  That is so different than my relationship with AJ.  How do I be such a different kind of parent to each of my kids and not leave anyone wondering why I love the other more?  Will parenting KC differently be more divisive and further instill her RAD thinking?  

It feels like fighting.  Constantly battling with everyone else to prove my love and devotion of my children.  No, CPS will not remove AJ.  Yes, KC will come home.  I will try harder.  I will love them more....Ugh!  

The system to get mental health help for kids is broken; and not broken in a good and healing way.  Broken in an amazingly bad way that serves to cause further damage and destruction to everyone that is forced into it.  If it is not changed, our children will not heal; our families will not heal; and bad things will continue to happen.  Anyone want to take on the system for me?   ...Anyone?  Yeah, me neither.  

Sunday, June 1, 2014

From a Spoiled Brat...

"So, God, if You really loved me you would do this..."

I think of one of my children saying such silly things to me and I laugh.  It's not so funny when you're on the other end.  I hope God finds some humor in it when I bring such silliness to Him.  I am so thankful for His unending grace and forgiveness. 

Why do I think that He needs to PROVE His love for me?  He already did that on the cross.  Prayer is not a fast-food window to God.  Our prayer requests and concerns are not orders to be filled. Alas, I am a broken crazy person, just like all of you broken crazy people.  

I am grateful to God for His patience as I continue to be refined in His image.