I have taught and will continue to teach
my girls that they are no less than anyone else. They are beautiful,
treasured and important creations of God. They have very significant
things to do in life. They matter. They count. But what about the
things I tell myself?
I have 'quirks' in every
area of life. I am not like the vast majority of people. I am single
when I should be married. I am fat when I should be healthier. I am a
conservative Christian when it's more popular to be liberal. I am sad
when I should be happy. I feel alone in a room full of people. I pour
out my whole heart, all of me, all of everything I have to others and
leave none for myself.
So this last year I have begun to address these issues:
- The singleness...ehh. Not a problem, move along.
- The obesity... Big problem (pun intended). I started in a comprehensive weight management program 9 months ago. After MUCH research and hard work and preparation, I have a gastric bypass scheduled in January. Throughout this journey towards health I have learned a lot about what I need and what I don't need. I need me to be nicer to me. I don't need to make everyone happy.
- The conservative Christianity...This is to be treasured and well-cared for, and is only a problem to the evil one.
- As for the other things, they all come back to how I view myself.
In
the midst of our current family crisis with KC, I have had to really
think hard about what and how I feel. I think I am less of a mom than I
should be. A mom should be able to take care of her children.
Instead, I have had to make the gut-wrenching decision to have KC move
elsewhere, both for her safety as well as the safety of AJ and I. It's
NOT a choice I want to make. It's the choice I HAVE to make. I will
always be KC's mom. I am not terminating my rights. I am not walking
away. I will continue to fight for her and along side of her for her
whole life. Yet, somehow, it changes who I am.
Just keep on staying strong Staci
ReplyDeleteBeing kinder towards myself and less harsh has been, probably, the single HUGEST thing I've learned in over a year of counseling. She has challenged me consistently, and with regularity, about the thoughts I think of and towards myself. A lot of "Where did that come from? What makes you think that?" and one of the biggest ones
ReplyDeleteWould you ever say that to a friend who was telling you she had the same problem?
OF COURSE NOT!! The thought of saying some of those things to another person is horrifying! We would NEVER treat our friends and loved ones like that, but somehow it is ok to treat ourselves like that. Keep the road friend, keep being kind to you and generous and compassionate and merciful. And gentle.
Me? tonight I am not going to beat myself up if I can't hit my word count. I'm not going to be mad at my body if my wrists refuse to write without pain. I'm not going to berate myself for eating the cupcakes I really don't "need." I'm also not going to berate myself for the current state of my house, I am noveling this month, it will get tidied this weekend.