Finding Words

Yesterday, I said I would fill you all in on what's been keeping me extra busy lately.  The trouble is I am having a hard time finding the words.  Or maybe I'm having trouble putting it in writing.  It makes it more real.  Maybe its that words can't hold it all...it's just too big. 

I know there are people out there in cyber world that have gone through the same things.  I know there are some of our loved ones that are wondering what has happened.  I know that our story is worth sharing...that it may help someone know they are not alone.  So I will try.  Maybe just a little at a time.

I have told you previously about KC and her explosive behavior.  I have also eluded to the effects of her behavior on AJ and I.  Those effects are difficult to label.  Those that have tried have called it PTSD, although there is nothing "Post" about it.  It is ongoing and will continue possibly forever. 

AJ seems to be handling it well, for now.  But I have been doing this for nine years.  I, alone, have been the on the receiving end of KC's rage for all that time.  It has changed me.  It has made me become someone I don't even recognize.  I fear that the changes in me may be irreversible.  (Please know, I am not accusing KC or blaming her in any way.  She has a mental illness and developmental disabilities and cannot control what she does. Oh, and I love her with all my heart.)

No matter how much love and therapy and things both material and immaterial, it's not enough.  It is a terrible feeling to come to the conclusion that you are no longer what is best for your child.  I cannot keep her safe from herself.  I cannot keep AJ and I safe from her.  I can no longer continue on this path that leads to destruction. 

So last night, during her meltdown, I had to do the thing no parent should ever have to do...ever.  I had to call 911 and have the police come over to our house.  They took KC to a safe place for the night.  She was very willing to go and was rather excited to be leaving us. 

This couldn't possibly be part of The Plan!?! You know, the one promised to prosper us and not to harm us in Jeremiah 29.  Because, You know what?  This hurts.  The pain is unbearable.  I know that in the bigger picture this is just another thread in the tapestry of life and God will use this for good.  But it still hurts. 

So how do you keep perspective?  How do you keep focused on the bigger picture in your life?