Safe. What in the world does it mean? What EXACTLY is it? How does it feel? My friend, Merriam-Webster, says "not able or likely to be hurt or harmed in any way : not in danger".
Over the last week or so, through a number of circumstances, conversations, and a Pastor that seems to spy on my therapy sessions, I have come to the realization that I have never known or felt what safe really is. I grew up refusing to acknowledge emotion. I learned to hide and ignore my feelings at a very young age, and I am a master at it!
It turns out that I seem to have similar attachment and trust issues as my kids. Gee, it's like God knew what He was doing, or something! All along there is clearly a tapestry that has been woven together piece by piece, and it is far from being done. What I am learning right now is all in preparation for what's to come. Which, I admit, scares me terribly but it is also exciting!
So back to my friend's definition, I have pondered this at length. And for now, I have determined that absolutely no one can be considered 'safe'. Everyone is able and even very likely to hurt at sometime. I mean, that's just life, right?
It has been 400 days since KC left our home. The 400th day is just as painful as the first, except the shock has worn off. We've had many ups and downs. Certainly, we have all learned more than we ever knew possible about this path we have taken!
AJ has learned that life's uncertainties are challenging and painful. She still asks weekly when she will have to leave. She has also begun to delve more deeply into her own history and has a lot of repetitive questions about her birth family and foster family. Hearing the truth over and over and over seems to be calming. Anxiety has taken over her little body in an ugly way. We are so thankful for our wonderful child Psychiatrist, and his willingness to think outside of the box. She is doing so much better than just a few short months ago!
KC has learned lots of new "cope-a-nation" skills. She has matured emotionally and socially. Living with 10 other girls has been very good for her in that manner. KC will be taking the next opening to a specific group home. This group home is one that many of the girls she has met in the unit move to when they are ready for the next step. We are both hopeful that this group home would be the final step down before returning home. Still, we have no general timeline as to when that may be.
Me? Well, I feel like I am exactly where I was 400 days ago, but I am not. I am healthier physically and emotionally. I am probably less healthy spiritually. Certainly a year of wandering the wilderness, refusing to trust and believe in His promises. Blinded by my anger and hurt, I've been throwing a 400-day-long temper tantrum. Aside from be exhausted by this, I am also feeling a tad bit ridiculous! Moving forward, this will be changing.
As we try to put the last 400 days behind us and look forward to the next 400, I am hopeful. 2014 is going to be difficult. Many challenges await and need to be dealt with accordingly. I am hopeful that there will be more blessings than challenges; more laughter than tears; and more rest than chaos.
