701 Days...

It has been 701 days since KC left our house.  (I missed out on the even 700 yesterday....such a slacker!!) 

The days have been long.  701 days as a family apart.  701 days of no good night hugs.  701 days of no good morning smiles.  701 days of separation.  

This journey has been much needed, yet a bitter pill to swallow.  We have all grown and matured and learned so much.  Things we would not have learned otherwise.  

AJ is healing.  Her attachment and PTSD issues are still present, but she's made some HUGE gains in being able to process through it all.  I thank God for bringing people into our lives that are willing to 'go there' with her, with us.  My prayer moving forward is that she can continue to progress even with the chaos of the upcoming transition.

The BIG T...This is what KC calls it!  The big transition.  In 14 days, KC will be moving home full-time.  FOURTEEN DAYS!  The changes in her have been amazing and beautiful.  I am quite hopeful that this reunification will be a success!  

So as we're moving forward, I am trying to compile a list of Things We Need to have available for when people ask... So far, I know we need: 

• Prayer Warriors!!  This one is self-explanatory.
• To keep busy - I have seen that when we have got stuff to do on the weekends, the girls do so much better behaviorally.  So don't hesitate to join us!
• Accountability - When things start to slip for me emotionally or mentally I will isolate myself.  Hey, don't let me!  Call me on it.  Make me be social.  I need it far more than I care to admit.  

Can you think of anything else?  I am thinking there must be more!  

Let's see the progress, shall we?  Take a moment to look at these pictures... The first was from 2010.  The second from 2 weeks ago.  Can you see the change?  Is it as visible to you as it is to me?  

2010

October 2014

What Has Been Happening...

Hi there.  It’s been a while.  Things are much the same and totally different.  You know - the usual.

This summer brought med changes for AJ.  We are still, four months later, trying to find the right medication at the right dose to help her control her anxiety, mood swings and aggression.  Oh, the aggression…it’s been brutal. 

For KC, the summer brought more home visits!  We now get to spend every weekend together at home.  It was a slow transition, and everyone is handling it quite well.  Our county CPS worker says that we should be able to have her home full-time at the end of November!!  This is huge - bigger than big.  It’s going to be hard and difficult and frustrating and wonderful and glorious! 

Through this crazy transition and for a long time after, we will have lots of support both formal and informal.  We have already begun having formal support each morning before school for AJ.  Someone comes in and works on her daily living skills and gets her ready for school.  When KC’s transition home happens we will have after school support with a supportive home care worker. 

We also have the amazing informal supports that we’ve met along our journey over the last two years.  Our new(ish) church family we’ve found is absolutely fabulous.  Many have family members or are people with special needs and many have adopted.  It’s a unique comradery.  And it’s kinda perfectly imperfect. 

School has been underway for whole month.  Over the summer I was able to take a new position at the school I work with… I moved from working in the special education – learning disabilities department to the special education – cognitive disabilities department.  It’s wonderful.  It’s an honor to be part of such an amazing team. 

The last few months have shown some pretty interesting growth for me.  Throughout this journey, I have found myself. (Sounds super cliché, I know!)  I have uncovered things that make me uniquely me AND I am at a place where I can embrace those things and no longer be ashamed of them.   The places I have been emotionally have been really dark.  That darkness had enveloped me for many years…decades even.  Through the struggles of the last two years, I have broken down those dark walls and found life.  It sounds so simple.  HA!  Not simple, but oh so very much worth the work.  The struggles remain, and always will.  However, the hope and the light are so much bigger.   

As I look to the future, I can see brightness and joy mingled with the struggles and the pain.  There is a lot we are looking forward to!  We are moving ahead with KC’s transition home and we will be welcoming workers into our home to essentially be an integral part of our family.  I also sincerely hope to be able to deepen the friendships forged over the last two years. I know a bunch of fabulous people and look forward to working through the valleys and mountain tops of life with them! 

My prayer is that through it all…the struggles, the joy, the sorrow, the hope, the pain and the beauty – that people will see Jesus.  Have you looked for Him today?  

Let's Get Real...

Greetings! 

 It has been far too long since I’ve taken time to write what about what’s on my heart.  Partly because it’s just so much; and partly because writing it makes it real.  So, if you’re ready, let’s get real.  

PAIN is a part of life; a necessary, mandatory part of life. As a family we’ve been experiencing all sorts of growing and stretching pains.  And as a family we TRUST that God is working all these things together for good because we love Him.  But the hurt is so very real.  I find it too easy to stop there; to stay focused on the suffering and forget the bigger picture developing around us.  So while I know the hurt is real, I need to remember that the TRUTH is real, too.  

 

AJ and KC

As a family, we each are struggling with our own little issues and also with the big issues that are consuming our whole family.  In April, KC moved to a bigger facility that is better equipped to handle her needs.  She is doing very well there and truly is enjoying the newness and all of the attention.  She is blooming with the strict structure and routine of it all, of course.  That’s Autism, for you!  Unfortunately, that comes at a cost; a cost to each and every one of us.  KC is excelling with her Autism traits, but at the cost of further damage to her attachment ability.  AJ is severely anxious about every little thing and is not functioning well day to day because she is always concerned about when she will have to leave.  (She cannot comprehend that she is not going anywhere.)  Me?  Well, my daughter is now 60 miles away in a large facility and being parented by strangers that I have no control over.  Yeah.  It stinks.  

Visiting KC

I have, however, come to the conclusion that it’s ok for me to not like her being there.  I struggled for the first month or so with it…questioning whether it was the right move or not.  It was the best move at the time.  It is the best place for her to be right now.  But I don’t have to like it.  It’s probably even a good sign that I don’t.  Every move we make, every choice we make is going to cause further trauma for each one of us.  This makes it so difficult for me to make even day to day decisions.  Again, I get so caught up in the struggle and the hurt that I can’t see the bigger picture.  

What else has been happening, you ask?  Well, AJ and I have been attending a different church the last few months.  I absolutely love it.  One of their biggest missions is to not only serve those with disabilities, but also to teach them to serve God.  There are lots of other special needs parents at this new church.  I cannot explain how huge that is for me.  There is an instant connection, or understanding that parents of typical children simply cannot comprehend.  This church is a beautiful picture of the family of God.  I am so thankful that He led me there. 

In other news, I continue to make progress since my gastric bypass surgery in January.  I am able to eat pretty much anything without complications.  The key is just to eat teeny, tiny amounts and chew everything very well.  I have lost 51 pounds since surgery making it 95 pounds lost since starting this journey a little over a year ago.  Surely, I have a long way to go, but I am making good consistent progress.  This journey is about so much more than what to eat and what exercises to do, most all of the ‘work’ is mental.  I’ve had to change the way I think and react and feel and cope.  (No wonder I’m so tired!)  It should only take another 37 or so years to get the hang of it all.  

I want to thank you for standing with us as we travel through life.  I cannot say thank you enough.  Your prayers and phone calls and time spent debriefing with us is truly helping.  I promise.  We’d be even crazier if it wasn’t for YOU!  For those that desire to pray with us, I am specifically seeking God and His answers for the following:  AJ’s anxiety and whether to seek medical intervention for it, ways to stay connected to KC, and for the financial needs at this time.  Thanks so much for being…yeah just being is ever so important.  And if you see me around, feel free to remind me of the bigger picture and His truth!

Blessings!! 

Jumping off the cliff

Hello there.  I have had to take a little break for a while, mostly because I wasn't ready to say what needs to be said.

I knew it was going to happen.  I knew it was going to be quick and decisive.  I knew it was going to be really hard.  But yet, I was not at all prepared for what happened.

After county level multi-agency meetings and staffings and such, on December 7th I got a call from CPS that they were going to take KC into their custody for safety reasons.  The call came 5 months after I made the first call to CPS to ask for help in the most humiliating and demeaning way that they make you go about things. The call came 4 months after the CPS worker and her supervisor assured me over and over that there were no safety concerns in our house and told me that I needed to just be a better parent.  It was the call we needed so desperately to receive, yet it created a chasm that may not ever be bridged.  I hope and pray that the call did not come too late. 

KC moved within the hour to a residential treatment facility here in the same town.  I don't like the facility, but I like the proximity.  I'm not certain it is going to be a place that helps KC achieve her maximum potential, but its safe.  Most important of all, KC really loves it there and is comfortable.  She never waivers when she says that she doesn't ever want to come home, even for a visit.

AJ is heartbroken.  In her world, her strongest and most spoken rule she has is that we must stay together as a family.  When I first explained to her what happened, she asked if she would have to leave if she was naughty.  (I thoroughly explained that KC isn't naughty and that she needs extra help.) Then AJ asked if I was going to hurt her now.  It took me a moment to figure out what she was really saying.  You see, AJ has never lived anywhere that she didn't get hurt.  (Except a short stay in an amazingly wonderful foster home right before she came to me.)  She lived the first three years of her life in quite a perilous situation with her birth family.  She wasn't scared of being hurt, she expected it.  Now that KC was gone and not going to hurt her anymore, she wanted to know who was going to hurt her now.  Since I am the only one left, it must be me.  Sweet, sweet girl...I have failed my number one job...to keep her safe.

For me, the grief attacked the moment I heard the words. The thing  that I needed most, was the single most painful and the very worst thing I could ever imagine.  There's no protocol as to how to deal with this.  There's no plan.  I like plans.  I like preparedness.  I also like being in control of my emotions, but that wasn't happening either.  It took many days before I was even able to semi-function, and I'm still really struggling with day-to-day tasks.

I struggle with my new role...whatever it is.  How do I parent a child that lives somewhere else?  How do I steer her to all that is good and holy, when there are 20 staff steering her too?  How do I stay connected to my child with Autism, when Autism makes it difficult to have any connections at all?  How to I ensure her safety when she is living with strangers? 

So, here we are.  We have jumped off the cliff into the chasm of the unknown and unfamiliar and we are trusting the Lord to catch us.  He makes all things beautiful in its time. (Ecc 3:11)

One day we were leaving a visit  with KC and AJ asked (again) why we couldn't bring Sister with us.  I explained (again) that Sister needs to get more help.  AJ simply said, "But Mommy, that makes my heart fall out."  Mine too, little peanut, mine too.  I trust that our hearts have been broken so God could remake them even better.