701 Days...

It has been 701 days since KC left our house.  (I missed out on the even 700 yesterday....such a slacker!!) 

The days have been long.  701 days as a family apart.  701 days of no good night hugs.  701 days of no good morning smiles.  701 days of separation.  

This journey has been much needed, yet a bitter pill to swallow.  We have all grown and matured and learned so much.  Things we would not have learned otherwise.  

AJ is healing.  Her attachment and PTSD issues are still present, but she's made some HUGE gains in being able to process through it all.  I thank God for bringing people into our lives that are willing to 'go there' with her, with us.  My prayer moving forward is that she can continue to progress even with the chaos of the upcoming transition.

The BIG T...This is what KC calls it!  The big transition.  In 14 days, KC will be moving home full-time.  FOURTEEN DAYS!  The changes in her have been amazing and beautiful.  I am quite hopeful that this reunification will be a success!  

So as we're moving forward, I am trying to compile a list of Things We Need to have available for when people ask... So far, I know we need: 

• Prayer Warriors!!  This one is self-explanatory.
• To keep busy - I have seen that when we have got stuff to do on the weekends, the girls do so much better behaviorally.  So don't hesitate to join us!
• Accountability - When things start to slip for me emotionally or mentally I will isolate myself.  Hey, don't let me!  Call me on it.  Make me be social.  I need it far more than I care to admit.  

Can you think of anything else?  I am thinking there must be more!  

Let's see the progress, shall we?  Take a moment to look at these pictures... The first was from 2010.  The second from 2 weeks ago.  Can you see the change?  Is it as visible to you as it is to me?  

2010

October 2014

What Has Been Happening...

Hi there.  It’s been a while.  Things are much the same and totally different.  You know - the usual.

This summer brought med changes for AJ.  We are still, four months later, trying to find the right medication at the right dose to help her control her anxiety, mood swings and aggression.  Oh, the aggression…it’s been brutal. 

For KC, the summer brought more home visits!  We now get to spend every weekend together at home.  It was a slow transition, and everyone is handling it quite well.  Our county CPS worker says that we should be able to have her home full-time at the end of November!!  This is huge - bigger than big.  It’s going to be hard and difficult and frustrating and wonderful and glorious! 

Through this crazy transition and for a long time after, we will have lots of support both formal and informal.  We have already begun having formal support each morning before school for AJ.  Someone comes in and works on her daily living skills and gets her ready for school.  When KC’s transition home happens we will have after school support with a supportive home care worker. 

We also have the amazing informal supports that we’ve met along our journey over the last two years.  Our new(ish) church family we’ve found is absolutely fabulous.  Many have family members or are people with special needs and many have adopted.  It’s a unique comradery.  And it’s kinda perfectly imperfect. 

School has been underway for whole month.  Over the summer I was able to take a new position at the school I work with… I moved from working in the special education – learning disabilities department to the special education – cognitive disabilities department.  It’s wonderful.  It’s an honor to be part of such an amazing team. 

The last few months have shown some pretty interesting growth for me.  Throughout this journey, I have found myself. (Sounds super cliché, I know!)  I have uncovered things that make me uniquely me AND I am at a place where I can embrace those things and no longer be ashamed of them.   The places I have been emotionally have been really dark.  That darkness had enveloped me for many years…decades even.  Through the struggles of the last two years, I have broken down those dark walls and found life.  It sounds so simple.  HA!  Not simple, but oh so very much worth the work.  The struggles remain, and always will.  However, the hope and the light are so much bigger.   

As I look to the future, I can see brightness and joy mingled with the struggles and the pain.  There is a lot we are looking forward to!  We are moving ahead with KC’s transition home and we will be welcoming workers into our home to essentially be an integral part of our family.  I also sincerely hope to be able to deepen the friendships forged over the last two years. I know a bunch of fabulous people and look forward to working through the valleys and mountain tops of life with them! 

My prayer is that through it all…the struggles, the joy, the sorrow, the hope, the pain and the beauty – that people will see Jesus.  Have you looked for Him today?  

Changing My Identity...

Who are you?  Who are any of us?  Lost, broken people in a lost and broken world.  Struggle and strife are a sure thing for everyone.  But God uses that hurt and makes it into something good.  I wonder if the deeper pain makes for even more good? 

Throughout this time of crisis at our house, I have learned more about myself than I ever wanted to know.  Some of it is not pretty.  (But we'll skip over that for today!)  I've found that I identify myself solely as mom.  I am KC and AJ's mom.  But I really am so much more. 

Looking forward to the next 8 weeks there are going to be two life-changing events.  KC will be moving to a safer place and I will be having bariatric surgery.  The first is truly deeply painful and the second is truly deeply wonderful.  (Coincidence?  I think not!)  Both events are going to change who I am to my very core. 

I am excited to see what is going to happen.  I am eager to have God rebuild and remold me from the inside out.  Embarking on this journey is going to be life-changing and I can't wait (impatient much?) to  find out who I am going to be.  It feels like a second chance at life! 

If you could have a fresh start in your life, what would you change?  How would you redefine yourself? 

Am I Less?

I have taught and will continue to teach my girls that they are no less than anyone else.  They are beautiful, treasured and important creations of God.  They have very significant things to do in life.  They matter.  They count.  But what about the things I tell myself?

I have 'quirks' in every area of life.  I am not like the vast majority of people.  I am single when I should be married.  I am fat when I should be healthier.  I am a conservative Christian when it's more popular to be liberal.  I am sad when I should be happy.  I feel alone in a room full of people.  I pour out my whole heart, all of me, all of everything I have to others and leave none for myself.  

So this last year I have begun to address these issues:  

• The singleness...ehh.  Not a problem, move along.  
• The obesity...  Big problem (pun intended).  I started in a comprehensive weight management program 9 months ago.  After MUCH research and hard work and preparation, I have a gastric bypass scheduled in January.  Throughout this journey towards health I have learned a lot about what I need and what I don't need.  I need me to be nicer to me.  I don't need to make everyone happy.  
• The conservative Christianity...This is to be treasured and well-cared for, and is only a problem to the evil one.  
• As for the other things, they all come back to how I view myself.  

In the midst of our current family crisis with KC, I have had to really think hard about what and how I feel.  I think I am less of a mom than I should be.  A mom should be able to take care of her children.  Instead, I have had to make the gut-wrenching decision to have KC move elsewhere, both for her safety as well as the safety of AJ and I.  It's NOT a choice I want to make.  It's the choice I HAVE to make.  I will always be KC's mom.  I am not terminating my rights. I am not walking away.  I will continue to fight for her and along side of her for her whole life.  Yet, somehow, it changes who I am.  

This post seems kinda all over the place, but hey, that's life!  It's all connected and each piece means something.  So as I work on my own perspective of life, I wanna know... how are you gonna be nicer to you today?  I'm pretty sure that I am not the only one that needs to think about that. 

Finding Words

Yesterday, I said I would fill you all in on what's been keeping me extra busy lately.  The trouble is I am having a hard time finding the words.  Or maybe I'm having trouble putting it in writing.  It makes it more real.  Maybe its that words can't hold it all...it's just too big. 

I know there are people out there in cyber world that have gone through the same things.  I know there are some of our loved ones that are wondering what has happened.  I know that our story is worth sharing...that it may help someone know they are not alone.  So I will try.  Maybe just a little at a time.

I have told you previously about KC and her explosive behavior.  I have also eluded to the effects of her behavior on AJ and I.  Those effects are difficult to label.  Those that have tried have called it PTSD, although there is nothing "Post" about it.  It is ongoing and will continue possibly forever. 

AJ seems to be handling it well, for now.  But I have been doing this for nine years.  I, alone, have been the on the receiving end of KC's rage for all that time.  It has changed me.  It has made me become someone I don't even recognize.  I fear that the changes in me may be irreversible.  (Please know, I am not accusing KC or blaming her in any way.  She has a mental illness and developmental disabilities and cannot control what she does. Oh, and I love her with all my heart.)

No matter how much love and therapy and things both material and immaterial, it's not enough.  It is a terrible feeling to come to the conclusion that you are no longer what is best for your child.  I cannot keep her safe from herself.  I cannot keep AJ and I safe from her.  I can no longer continue on this path that leads to destruction. 

So last night, during her meltdown, I had to do the thing no parent should ever have to do...ever.  I had to call 911 and have the police come over to our house.  They took KC to a safe place for the night.  She was very willing to go and was rather excited to be leaving us. 

This couldn't possibly be part of The Plan!?! You know, the one promised to prosper us and not to harm us in Jeremiah 29.  Because, You know what?  This hurts.  The pain is unbearable.  I know that in the bigger picture this is just another thread in the tapestry of life and God will use this for good.  But it still hurts. 

So how do you keep perspective?  How do you keep focused on the bigger picture in your life?