What IS 'Safe'?

Safe.  What in the world does it mean?  What EXACTLY is it?  How does it feel?  My friend, Merriam-Webster, says "not able or likely to be hurt or harmed in any way : not in danger".  



Over the last week or so, through a number of circumstances, conversations, and a Pastor that seems to spy on my therapy sessions, I have come to the realization that I have never known or felt what safe really is.  I grew up refusing to acknowledge emotion.  I learned to hide and ignore my feelings at a very young age, and I am a master at it!  

It turns out that I seem to have similar attachment and trust issues as my kids.  Gee, it's like God knew what He was doing, or something!  All along there is clearly a tapestry that has been woven together piece by piece, and it is far from being done.  What I am learning right now is all in preparation for what's to come.  Which, I admit, scares me terribly but it is also exciting!  

So back to my friend's definition, I have pondered this at length.  And for now, I have determined that absolutely no one can be considered 'safe'.  Everyone is able and even very likely to hurt at sometime.  I mean, that's just life, right?

400 Days...

It has been 400 days since KC left our home.  The 400th day is just as painful as the first, except the shock has worn off.  We've had many ups and downs.  Certainly, we have all learned more than we ever knew possible about this path we have taken!  

AJ has learned that life's uncertainties are challenging and painful.  She still asks weekly when she will have to leave.  She has also begun to delve more deeply into her own history and has a lot of repetitive questions about her birth family and foster family.  Hearing the truth over and over and over seems to be calming.  Anxiety has taken over her little body in an ugly way.  We are so thankful for our wonderful child Psychiatrist, and his willingness to think outside of the box.  She is doing so much better than just a few short months ago!  

KC has learned lots of new "cope-a-nation" skills.  She has matured emotionally and socially.  Living with 10 other girls has been very good for her in that manner.  KC will be taking the next opening to a specific group home.  This group home is one that many of the girls she has met in the unit move to when they are ready for the next step.  We are both hopeful that this group home would be the final step down before returning home.  Still, we have no general timeline as to when that may be.   

Me?  Well, I feel like I am exactly where I was 400 days ago, but I am not.  I am healthier physically and emotionally.  I am probably less healthy spiritually.  Certainly a year of wandering the wilderness, refusing to trust and believe in His promises.  Blinded by my anger and hurt, I've been throwing a 400-day-long temper tantrum.  Aside from be exhausted by this, I am also feeling a tad bit ridiculous!  Moving forward, this will be changing.  

As we try to put the last 400 days behind us and look forward to the next  400, I am hopeful.  2014 is going to be difficult.  Many challenges await and need to be dealt with accordingly.  I am hopeful that there will be more blessings than challenges; more laughter than tears; and more rest than chaos.  

Adopting Reality

Adoption.  Sounds great, right?  All warm and fuzzy… All sunshine and rainbows…  Let me be the first to tell you, THAT’S a MISCONCEPTION.  

I will preface the rest of this entry by saying in no uncertain terms that I do not regret adopting either of my girls.  I wouldn’t change a thing when it comes to the big, important stuff.  Of course, like all parents, I occasionally wonder what if I would have sought this therapy sooner or tried that course of action instead of what was chosen… But that’s not important.

For those that have not adopted, I shall group you in two groups; those that are or may consider adopting and those that know people that have adopted.  I do not desire to persuade you against adoption. Adoption is not evil.  Adoption is very, very good.  Adoption is important, vital even!  Those that love people that have adopted, know that their journey is much more difficult and yucky than even they understand.  

All that said I want to be very clear and real here, adoption is choosing to live with the sins of others for the rest of your life.  The sins of people you may never know will reside in your homes.  Adoptive parents and adopted kids will struggle with this forever.  There is such a primal wound created when a child is separated from their birth parents, and I have yet to see a family that has not struggled at least a little with this.  For many adopted kids, it’s not just that primal wound, but additionally dealing with the abuse, neglect and/or trauma of life with their birth family.  This is a life-long struggle and many families just cannot survive.  Many more sit at the brink of despair, barely holding it together.  That’s reality. 

This is the part where I jump in and tell you how to fix this…except I don’t know.  Oh, how I wish I did.  For those of you out there that are sitting on that brink of despair, I am there with you.  Here I am asking why.  Why does it have to be so hard?  Why does my child have to suffer so?  Why am I not enough?  Why can’t I figure out what to do next?  So, know you are NOT alone.  There are many of us here.  Let’s reach out and help hold each other up.  Dysfunctional as we may be, we are family. 

Blessings…Are they ALWAYS what they seem?

This is an article I wrote for our church newsletter in October 2011... 

Blessings are all warm and fuzzy, and make us FEEL good…Right? I am not so sure about that…

When do you draw closest to God and truly seek His face? When do you surrender all you have and all are to Him who made you? When do you cry out for His light to shine brighter, stronger, BIGGER? 

For me, I draw closest, surrender everything, and cry out when things are not going well, and when **I** can’t do anything else about it. And I know I am not the only one. The big question I have for you today is - What do you do when God doesn’t answer the way you want? Do you still count that as a blessing? 

My life certainly has not turned out the way I had planned. I never dreamed of becoming a single-parent (does anyone?) and adopting kiddos with special needs. It’s rough; AND it’s so beautiful. It’s challenging; AND it’s so rewarding. It makes me crazy; AND it gives me unending joy. It draws me closer to God each and every day; AND that is the biggest blessing of all!
So, when things aren’t going right and obstacles seem to be stacking up in front of you, seek HIM. KNOW He will bless you IN and WITH those hard times. He will make your life story beautiful. 

Laura Story says it so marvelously in her song “Blessings”:

“'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise”

May God bless you and yours today!!

Picking My Battles...

Raising children with special needs is different than raising typical kids.  That seems like a given.  I knew that at the start of the journey. But I have found myself surprised at the kinds of things that are no longer important to me as a parent.  

Like what, you ask? Let’s see…I let AJ eat every meal in the living room.  Yep, that’s right, in front of the TV.  I never dreamed I would be THAT parent!  However, it’s the only way she sits still long enough to eat a whole meal!   Another ridiculous thing I let AJ do is eat off the floor.  Yes, you heard that correct…the floor.  Now before you call CPS, let’s be clear I do not put food on the floor and ask her to eat it.  She is incredibly clumsy and drops everything.  When she drops food, she has a traumatic response.  She MUST pick it up and eat it.  When I try to intervene, it becomes a fight-or-flight battle over food.  That snowballs into more trauma response issues and well, you see, it’s just not emotionally healthy for her if I push the issue.  I DO, however, calmly talk her through what’s safe at the time.  I TRY to have her look at the food item and attempt to talk her through making a good choice.  If it has cat hair or other visible dirt, let’s put it in the trash and get a new one or at least wash it off.  She has been able to make the right choice about 40% of the time as long as I do not try to physically intervene.  On a related note, she does have a great immune system!  

Does your family do things that a ‘typical’ family may not?  I really enjoy our special needs family think-outside-of-the-box differences! I think maybe that our adaptation skills just might make us more ‘evolved’ than typical families!  Hee Hee! 

My Guest Post...

I had the honor of writing a guest post over on These Broken Vases!  Go check it out here.  Thanks, Ellen, for the opportunity! 

I never thought I would….

This post is in response to a writing prompt from my new friend, Ellen Stumbo.  (You can read her response here.) Thanks, Ellen, for prompting me to think on these things!

I have been thinking about this for a while and I cannot choose just ONE thing that I never thought I’d do.  My life is FULL of things I never thought I’d do.  Thankfully so, as the life I had envisioned would have been quite boring, dull, and far too normal.  

Also, I never thought of wearing THIS to the chiropractor! 

The biggest thing I never thought I would do was to choose to become a single parent.  It’s certainly not what I grew up dreaming about!  Does anyone?  I had to be completely coerced by God Himself that I was to take this path.  I still struggle with being enough for my girls.  I struggle with feeling like they are missing out.  The truth is God is enough for them and for me, too!  

After becoming a single parent of a special needs child, I never thought I would become so isolated.  I am an introvert at heart and it was such an easy transition at first.   And then it just got lonely.  As KC’s behaviors have gotten worse over the years, so has the isolation.  For the last 8 months she was at home, we never left.  We weren’t able to go anywhere or do anything.  I was unable to go to work; AJ was unable to participate in any social activities.  We couldn’t even go to church.  It was during that time I began to learn more about myself and what I need to function properly.  I was shocked to discover that I do really require social interaction.  (I also discovered that many people couldn’t or wouldn’t join me in that valley, but that is another post.)

The most painful response to this writing prompt is still so raw.  It’s still ‘being treated’.  I never ever, ever thought that I would have to choose between my children.  Now, before anyone jumps on that, I fully know that the choice I made was THE best for everyone, including both of my girls and that I didn’t actually choose one over the other.  But in my heart, it feels that way….and it feels so very wrong.  To willingly have my child removed from my home was, um, well, there just aren’t any words big enough, or strong enough to express what happened both physically and emotionally to our family.  It is something that has scarred each of us for life.  I look forward to the time that we can look back and see how God used those scars and made them beautiful.  Until then, we seek His healing balm.  

So what have you never thought you would do or be?  What has surprised you in this grown-up world?